Young and old, rookie and veteran, women and men - a steady stream of patients pass through the portals of the clinic, and as you have come to learn about me over the years, I spend considerable time there observing and imaging what story they bring with them each day. I don’t know the answer but I often wonder if they are at the beginning of their treatment; carrying the burden of disease, fear and uncertainty. In the middle maintenance mode like me. Or at the end of their journey struggling against the taxing emotional/physical exhaustion of decreasing treatment options and increasing sobering outcomes. It is truly impossible to determine, and I don't have appointments with a pattern of frequency anymore (down to once a month - thank you) to chronicle enough visits to see progress, homeostasis or regression. Granted I'm not a doctor so my assessments of their circumstances are purely conjecture, but I do think about where they are at in their journey?
I can relate to the beginning phase of their process; though that in itself can be a matter of months or much longer - as science seeks to sort out their situation and chart a course of treatment. I am now living the life of maintenance, but here too that chapter can last for an indeterminate amount of time (an unknown long length in my case). Or that feared period of disease containment that can be all-too brief if the scourge decides to re-emerge. And fortunately for me, I have yet to encounter the downward cycle that too many patients must confront; though that number is steadily decreasing as science continues to gain the upper hand in treatment.
Is the empty look in their eyes the reflection of an overwhelmingly sobering prognosis or just the glaze of an understandable bad day/week? Is the glimmer in their eyes the sparkle of victory in the ongoing battle with the Big C, or just the result of an uplifting visit from a grandchild or old friend? Is their furtive glance merely a passing glimpse or the purposeful attempt to not look fate directly in the eyes while things "seem" to be going so well? I won't ask and I'll never really know, but I'll willingly greet any of them with a smile regardless - and hope that it is an appropriate response under any of the aforementioned circumstances, on the off-chance that I will see them again sometime soon - ideally on the upswing of their odyssey.
